This Time
by StatsGrandma57
Summary: Han's POV, told on the journey to Hoth. What's keeping him around, and how is it affecting him? Oneshot


SHINE ON ME THIS TIME

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I've agreed to stay on with this crazy group that thinks they can overthrow the Empire.

Yeah, okay, they just won a major military victory, and yeah, I participated in it, partially out of guilt but mostly because Chewie was never going to let me get away with not being there. I've even got a medal. I don't know why Chewie didn't get one; that bugs me. He was out there putting his ass on the line, too.

The beings are pretty friendly here. General Rieekan, who runs this particular battalion, has agreed to pay Chewie and me fair wages for our services. He's mentioned he'd like me to take a commission, but that's not me. A lot of the pilots here are just kids. They like hearing my stories and I'm good with sharing 'em. I have to remind them that any mission where you're not being shot at is a good one, and one where you come out in one piece is even better. The older guys know this; we've had a few drinks together and we're amazed at how naive the kids are. Except that we were once those naive kids, too, and nothing we say is gonna make them believe they're mortal. That only comes from time and too much reality.

Winning that battle wasn't a complete joy, we lost a lot of beings in it. Before the medal ceremony was a memorial for all those that perished. It was sobering as hell. We needed that after-party, and not just because we scored a victory.

That after-party. That's gonna be with me way longer than the medal ceremony.

Actually, if I wanted to be honest with myself—and I try to be, despite what anyone might think—there is really only one reason I'm hanging around. It has to do with the pretty little princess who danced with me.

It wasn't the first time I noticed her. My first glimpse of her was when I agreed to go with Luke on what must have been the most poorly planned rescue mission in the history of rescue missions. That's what I got for trusting the kid. But more about him another time. It's my fault; I took the job because I needed some fast credits before I ceased breathing. Jabba is not merciful to those who don't pay him, even when it's not your fault.

I was looking forward to being back at the cantina about eight standard hours after depositing them on Alderaan. But, things have a way of getting out from under you sometimes. This was one of those times.

'Things getting out from under you' barely does justice to meeting Princess Leia Organa. And when that happened it was like throwing a blowtorch into rocket fuel. I'm not sure who's the rocket fuel and who's the blowtorch, but I don't think it matters. I'd never felt anything like this about a woman, and I've known my share. I never had the sensation of needing someone before, and I'm baffled and not sure what to do next. I'm more than a little unnerved.

I still feel the fire every time I see her. Hells, I feel it when I don't see her! It's with me every waking and sleeping second. I will say this, though: if this is torture, it's the best kind.

Sure, we fight like gundarks every time we see each other, and this is a small battalion so it happens a lot. But everytime I look at her I can feel it: it's not hatred, not even dislike. It's confusion and insecurity and fear. I wonder how much is hers and how much is mine. The lines are blurred.

And yet, something about this feels so right, and so good. Something tells me that Solo, it's time to give up the illusion that you like being solo.

We're on our way to the Hoth system. I actually agreed to serve on what frozen hells have to look like. I'm not a huge fan of the cold, and Hoth is constant snow and windstorms, plus temperatures that can kill. Not exactly the garden spot of the galaxy. There have to be worse places somewhere, but if there are, I can't remember them right now.

But here we are, orbiting the planet, in the queue to land, being buffeted about by the turbulent atmosphere, and all I can think of is how much I can't wait to see Princess Leia Organa.

Because despite the danger, the cold, the sheer insanity of war, the lousy food and dark clouds everywhere, it'll be worth it. Because she's going to be here. And that makes it right.

Somehow, I think the sun is gonna shine on me this time.


End file.
